The General's Anecdote

This was told by the speaker at some military dinner I attended while I was a military wife. The speaker was a retired African American Army General.

He said he and his wife went to visit family and as they left town they gassed the car up. The gas station attendant who filled up their tank was an old boyfriend of hers.

Afterwards as they were driving home, which was a long drive, he began teasing her about how she dodged a bullet by not marrying that guy, look what a good deal you got by marrying me, etc. It started out innocent enough but he continued until she was really pissed off about what an ass he was being and she finally said "If I had married him, he would be General and you would be pumping gas."

The audience ROARED and he got a standing ovation from the ladies. He was somewhat taken aback and said "You got some strong women in this audience" and said that he told that story a few days earlier and got a very tepid response from the audience.

In an old-fashioned marriage, the wife is essentially her husband's servant and it's not always possible to tell how much his success is due to his innate ability and how much is due to hers. A friend of mine once tried to make this point by asking things like "If he's married and his wife lays out his clothes for him so he can dress appropriately, does he still have autism?"

I don't think most people got it. I did.

My ex dressed like something out of Revenge of the Nerds when I met him. I took him shopping and got him a better haircut. When mothers of friends of mine would meet him and go "Oh, my god. What a good looking, well-dressed man. I can see why you married him." we both guffawed and he would say "You have that backwards. I'm a good looking, well-dressed man because she married me."

We got divorced at the tail-end of his military career. He had a lot of big plans that seem to have not materialized, like getting his PhD and becoming a college professor. 

He also stayed at his last duty station and bought a house there and never moved to the state he said he wanted to live in post retirement. That's extremely common in the military. It's the easy solution. 

But when we were married, the world saw him as a mover and shaker and he had multiple special duty assignments. He wasn't seen as a common soldier doing the norm.

His military career had us traveling the world and moving regularly. People thought he kicked ass and took names. Meanwhile, I was perceived of as basically riding his coattails and going where my man and his career took us.

Post divorce, I had a corporate job for a few years and I've moved around to a few different cities in a few different states, all while extremely poor because when we split, he kept the spiffy work experience and resume that went with it, I kept our special-needs kids who still live with me.

Though it's just blogging and freelancing, I've pursued my lifelong desire to be a writer. I've also pursued a great adventure of getting myself healthier when that isn't supposed to be possible.

I have no money nor recognition, but a lot of what he accomplished wasn't so much that he was some go-getter as that he was male, joined the military and his wife, the army and the rest of the world colluded to make him successful at a career that happens to move people around a lot.

He stepped onto a treadmill while young and life took over. I stepped onto a different treadmill -- that of wife and mom -- and I have had a helluva time trying to get people to take me seriously or establish an adequate income.

Historically, we expected men to have careers and women to do the women's work. We expected male careers to support a wife and children. 

We also expected his paycheck to be family money, not HIS money. My dad used to talk about the military paying one guy's paycheck to his WIFE (decades ago when everyone was routinely paid in cash anyway) because the guy was an alcoholic and it was the only way the rent and groceries would get paid.

Our hiring practices continue to favor men, especially married men. In the absence of an ability to very accurately measure how people will perform, we bet the known historical pattern for success: Some man whose wife is doing the cooking and cleaning so he can focus on his job.

Men continue to get the lion's share of career and financial success. Women largely no longer get credit as "his better half" and we more or less can be kicked to the curb with little to nothing to show for it.

In my experience, people are actively dismissive if you try to suggest you played an important part in your husband's career success and essentially laugh in your face if you suggest his success implies you have skills and talents to bring to the table which should be worth good money.