Abusive Relationships

I've been watching YouTube shorts about abuse and I'm reluctant to link to anything in specific because I don't want to have my words misinterpreted as an attack on the character of anyone in particular about a very personal, private matter that's extremely hard to prove under the best of circumstances.

Abuse tends to boil down to control and it's frequently a case of follow the money. 

It's well documented that abusive husbands tend to physically and socially isolate their abused wife and actively interfere with her ability to establish an adequate earned income of her own. That's about making someone your prisoner without a physical cage.

That's about giving them little to no hope of leaving and making life viable on your own and I've talked before on this blog that it's hard to prove intent. 

I was financially dependent on my husband and I was a traditional homemaker for two decades, but ***I*** had a thousand mile rule where I didn't want to live near my relatives. I told him "The military can send you there. It can't make me go."

I think word got around that sending him to Columbus, Georgia could land him in divorce court. So even though I was a housewife, there were things I was dictating to him.

And I'm not apologizing for that and I'm not saying I was being abusive to communicate my expectations to him. I'm just saying you shouldn't assume she has no say.

I was very vulnerable because I was financially dependent on him and a lot of my writing is driven by that fact and the fact that I remain dirt poor long after leaving him -- and I am the one who initiated the divorce -- and my writing is also influenced by the fact that I am not comfortable with saying society needs to give women some deal where a man is obligated to support her in style simply because they slept together ONCE or whatever.

I don't think that works at either the societal or individual level.

Family therapists view a problem teen as the presenting problem and examine group dynamics. In other words, it's common for the family to show up "because our teenager is a problem and we need them to behave." And then the therapist looks at what's going on generally in the household, especially at the relationship between mom and dad and how their child is representative of their interactions.

So I watch stuff on YouTube and I can't help but think there's another side to this story and probably they would both tell you "I'm the wronged party here!" If you talked to the ex being consistently described as an abuser on a public YouTube channel, odds are high he feels the person is libeling him.

And I can't help but wonder about that myself. If you look for someone to blame, you will probably find someone to blame even if it's a scapegoat. 

We are all prisoners of heteronormative culture and probably the overwhelming majority of both men and women have serious complaints about how that negatively impacts their lives and I'm fairly confident most of them wouldn't call it "heteronormative culture." They would say "My ex...(Insert gendered swearing)."

Is it problematic that women still get raised to do the women's work and men routinely expect their gal to take care of that, even if she's also in school or working? Absolutely.

But it's a problem for both of them, not just her. Men pressure women or expect that because they don't know how to handle essential tasks of daily living that are critical to health, welfare and financial success at your job.

I write Nutrient Dense because I got so much unexpected wild reactions from successful women making more money than me at my corporate job over the fact that my son took over the cooking. I absolutely did not expect that.

So I'm not trying to say "Men have a RIGHT to INSIST their wife must do the women's work." I'm trying to address systemic issues and figure out how to stop having debacles. 

I don't expect to ever remarry. 

I know I and my adult sons can happily work out who is responsible for what in our household without making me a defacto servant with insufficient time and energy for pursuing my own stuff and potentially developing a real career and adequate income. 

But I absolutely don't trust that some unrelated male looking to sleep with me will do the same. I believe most men will give lip service to that idea and claim they will get better over time and then slippery slope the relationship into me handling most of it "Because I know how already." and "He makes more money than me and works longer hours." and similar justifications.

So I can imagine a future with two-career couples where women aren't defacto personal servants of their husbands and playing second fiddle and being second class citizens. But I'm jaded and extremely skeptical that's realistic for me to hope for in my life as my firsthand experience of a relationship.

Actual abusers practice DARVO. Part of what that means is they routinely claim to be the real victim. 

So if you are a judge or in some similar position, please realize in an abusive relationship, both parties are highly likely to claim to be the real victim. 

1. Talk is cheap.

2. Actions speak louder than words.

3. Believe your eyes over your ears.

In recent months, I've come to question the narrative my sister has told for decades that she was the victim of her first husband. His name was Julius and a lot of my speculation about that appears on this blog.

If you really want to see less abuse in the world, I recommend you:

1. Work towards helping more women establish an adequate income of their own.

2. Work on housing solutions where single individuals don't need much income and can easily feed themselves.

3. Help men figure out how to take adequate care of themselves so they don't need a woman cooking and cleaning for them.

I have an entire blog about that second idea: Project SRO.

Nutrient Dense is potentially a resource for issue number three.