BDSM, Open Relationships and Stuff

I've written a couple of pieces elsewhere touching on my hypothesis that some people into BDSM have sensory issues. Below is a quote from one which includes a link to the other.

I have previously touched on my hypothesis that SOME people into BDSM are people with sensory issues of the "I need a BEAR HUG" variety where FIRM pressure is what they need to feel good and bondage and the like provides that.

I once read someone assert that people into BDSM are "sick" and need therapy. I suspect some just need to be clued that sensory issues are a thing and this can impact your sex life in ways easily misinterpreted. 

In some conversation on Metafilter, someone pointedly compared old fashioned "til death do us part" marriage vows to something someone was saying about BDSM as a rebuttal of some ugly assertion I believe and said something about their grandparents openly displaying symbols of mutual ownership daily: Their wedding rings.

My parents had a very old fashioned marriage and when they met my father told my mother "No wife of mine will ever work." which sounds like sexist pig assholery to a lot of people today but he was bragging "I'm a good provider." When I was twelve, she told him bluntly "You no longer make enough money to back that up." and finally got a job over his objections instead of continuing to work part-time from home while officially respecting his wishes in that regard.

My father was a soldier and my husband was a soldier and I had issues from being molested and a dysfunctional marriage. When I divorced, I made the conscious decision that if this controlling shit was going to be part of my romantic life, it would be BDSM head games in the bedroom and I was done being some man's chattel property.

One of the mods on Cyburbia was initially genuinely a friend of mine. We exchanged private messages and he helped me get to a planning conference in San Francisco, a story told in some detail elsewhere. 

This mod claimed to have an open marriage and was defacto using Cyburbia as his personal flesh pot to oick up women. Moderating there is unpaid work and like I stated in the piece linked above, I was a homemaker with no real professional experience when I joined and I was rather naive.

I eventually concluded him doing that was an abuse of power in part because of HOW he handled things. He self identified as into BDSM and never really gave himself a label, but I inferred he saw himself as a Dom and liked ordering people around and controlling them.

There was no BDSM anything about the night we spent together, but he didn't bring a condom like I had said was a necessity for medical reasons and that was the third guy in a row to do that to me, which is why I decided "I'm too sick for this bullshit and shall be celibate until I'm well enough to actually tell a man no glove, no love if necessary instead of stupidly doing it anyway now that we're here."

But the topic of condoms came up on Cyburbia and he went on some nasty rant, publicly disagreeing with me and Yelling about "If it mattered that much to her, SHE could have supplied the condom." It's was clear to me that was subtext for "Bitch, how dare you dump me! If a condom mattered that much to you, YOU could have brought one!"

As far as I know, neither of us at that time had told anyone on Cyburbia we got jiggy that night, so I didn't really have a leg to stand on to complain to the other mods about the incident. I left not long after for unrelated reasons that were coincidentally coming to a head around the same time.

So apparently to him BDSM meant being a psycho controlling asshole WORSE than my husband and not just keeping it in the bedroom and what little I got to know of him clued me that BDSM isn't my cup of tea because I like my men manly and this is not it.

And then the other thing that happened was he said he wasn't going to tell his wife about it because she had wanted to go to San Francisco with him and couldn't for some reason, so he felt like it would be a sick burn to tell her. 

I was in a very long distance open relationship at the time and went home and told my BF everything he wanted to hear about it. So on the one hand, I was fine with him not telling his wife because I didn't know her, but it left me thinking "They don't REALLY have an open relationship by my definition of honesty and emotional openness. They're more like swingers with updated PC language."

So that experience is one of the things that got me to realize a lot of people claiming to have an open relationship don't mean by that what you might imagine. I hate labels anyway and this is one of the reasons why. I never used the phrase "open relationship" when talking with my then BF nor about him.

He met me, we were both in limbo, we lived far apart and it would have been silly to agree to a monogamous relationship with a man I never met. But we spent about 20 hours a week together for a few years probably and I was in love and might have married him had things been different in some way.

But they weren't and the relationship ended. 

I also read a research based book while in therapy in my twenties about open relationships. It profiled maybe half a dozen such relationships and most ended because of being so-called open relationships. 

These were mostly swingers thinking they were liberal and open minded and using updated PC language. They ultimately felt angry and betrayed and couldn't trust each other and split up.

In one case, I think they were both divorced and couldn't agree with being a prisoner of societal expectations. They eventually got married, had kids and were both pursuing serious careers and there's only so many hours in the day. Casual sex with others fell by the wayside and they ended up monogamous by choice without feeling like a prisoner of societal expectations. 

I briefly returned to Cyburbia because in December 2017 I applied for a community development job. It had gone to hell in the years I was away and the owner, Dan Tasman, wasn't around at all which worked for me because friction with him was the crux of why I left.

I stayed about six months. This piece indicates I asked the question I needed answered in December 2017 and got the information I needed. I can't say why I put up with their crap for several months. I thought I stuck around long enough to get "what I needed" which I assumed was that but if I got that immediately, I have no idea what made me finally go "I'm DONE!"

So I decided I was done and as a courtesy to the guy I spent the night with, I left a comment or post saying roughly "Welp, I'm out of here. If anyone is still in touch with the corrupt moderator trolling Cyburbia like his personal flesh pot, tell him to get checked for trypanasoma. That's what I think I have. It's been real. It's been fun. It's not been real fun. Ciao."

I kept a copy of it because I fully expected it to be deleted, but neither that mod nor the forum owner posted the entire time I was there again and I didn't know any "diplomatic" way to do what I felt was my duty as a human being to someone who may have gotten sick from sleeping with me. To my shock, I was banned for posting that courtesy notice.

So I promptly published the copy of it on one of my blogs and went on a rant about sexism and how doomed planet Earth is that a MAN can abuse his position of power to troll for hookups but that courtesy notice got me BANNED. I guess....because women who put out are whores????

Sexism is alive and well and ugly doo doo with less than two functioning brain cells. 

I eventually redacted it and may no longer have a copy of the original. 

Anyway,  good riddance cave dwellers of Cyburbia. THIS is why you losers can't get dates. 

And don't deserve them.